Goodbye Cellulite Legs

My most illustirous brethren in Christ,

This question is for your learned intellect, and any of the heathens answering will be duely ignored and blocked at once, in the name of the Lord. In that vein, allow me to make several postulations relative to the inferior yet equally important subject of Physical health. God doesn’t like fatties and I have no doubt that the entry to Heaven is narrow enough to prevent couch potatoes, lard munchers and the terminally lazy jubbling their way through into His presence. Heaven could hardly be considered Heavenly if your view of Jesus is blocked by a family of stretchpant wearing mouth-breathers fighting over the last Oreo and wondering out loud where the buffet is.

Aside from this, we must remember that the primary, indeed, the only, purpose of every true Christian female is to produce as many true Christian babies as possible. It is through these offspring that the future of true Christianity, Morality and the final victory over Satan is assured, and whilst the young and nubile female may comfortably relax in the happy knowledge that her taut and supple body is attractive enough for the true Christian man, those approaching 30 or above may find themselves slowly becoming sagging, cellulite-covered wastebaskets of femininity whose ability to arouse her Righteous husband for long enough to become impregnated drops with every toffee-filled chocolate she stuffs into her rotten-toothed and ravenous mouth. It is therefore the firm and unyielding responsibility of the true Christian husband to ensure that his wife becomes accustomed to hard physical exercise from the beginning of their marriage. My advice is to avoid purchasing labor-saving devices such as washing machines, vacuum cleaners and other assorted household gadgets; not only does the wife maintain her trim figure through the constructive upkeep of the home, but the financial savings are considerable. Remember: a busy wife is a tired wife, a tired wife is a happy wife and a happy wife is a stable home. A sure sign of an unhappy woman is the presence of what is termed “nagging”. Whilst many men view the harpyish whining of the discontented female as a nuisance, I view it as an invaluable warning of oncoming slovenliness; a symptom, if you like, of the onset of laziness and eventual physical repulsiveness. This should be met with an immediate cure – labor and plenty of it. If the household has followed my example and wisely refrained from domestic appliances, sell the family car and make her walk to the store and back (you can use the money raised from the sale for cabs and rentals for yourself). If she is still nagging, have her make bread instead of buy it. Further remedies required? Build a garden and have her grow vegetables or maintain a lawn, all on top of her usual homely duties. Numerous true Christian males have suggested buying her membership of a gymnasium, I, however, firmly reject this notion. Not only does this membership cost hard-earned money but a gym simply exercises the body whilst degrading the mind. The last thing any male wants is his wife to be surrounded by hot, sweating female bodies clad in tight clothing, with the occasional male instructor thrown into the mix; it is a surefire method of bringing homosexualism into a woman, if not outright adultery, and I condemn gymnasiums heartily and without reservation. No, Brethren, the exertion of domestic energy is the only exercise a female requires to maintain her figure. The point is, there is always work to be found should you look for it, and although the gradual decline of a woman’s physical appeal is largely her own responsibility, it is also yours and it is your duty as a husband to ensure she stays in a shape good enough for you to want to impregnate her often enough to ensure the long-term triumph of true Christianity, God and the KJV 1611.

Physical fitness is also essential amongst the younger true Christians. Whilst a healthy level is easily maintained in the young male through the use of sports, militia training, and protein shakes, it is once again the unfortunate female who must come under the close examination of the wise true Christian father. I would not recommend the same methods used to induce a healthy body in older women; a skilled domestic worker is trained over a period of years and to throw an innocent and incompetent girl into the finely wrought cogs of a neatly organized home would result in tears and a considerable mess. Rather than focusing upon expending the energy of the female one should seek to control the intake. Food is both a blessing and a curse to the woman; demonstrations of culinary expertise will bring her accolades and new dresses yet at the same time it offers constant temptation. A young girl is misfortunate in that she lacks both a husband and cooking skills, the balancing weight to the temptation, and it commonly runs riot through her delicate brain, overcoming her finer instincts and manifesting
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itself in the purchase of chocolate, cookies and cream-filled pastries. The wise father will carefully seek evidence of a weak-willed daughter; puffiness around the cheeks, a bulge at the waist, sharp knees, heavy ankles, clothes which no longer fit – all are clear symptoms and you should address them with unyielding firmness and an uncompromising mood. It is your responsibility as a father to ensure that your daughter is marriageable material, as, just as God hates the fatties, so does the healthy young true Christian male. Place yourself in his shoes – would you want a slovenly wife who cannot control her own impulses? Would you trust the family food budget to a woman who will head straight to the dessert aisle? Would you wish to perform the act of procreation with a female who takes up both sides of the marital bed? NO, Brethren, that is the answer. It therefore follows naturally that a fat daughter is the sign of a poor father, and both you and I should demonstrate with the
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with them wherever they may be found in order that they pull themselves together and restrict that diet. Watch her meals carefully and ensure that she is sufficiently self-disciplined as to maintain herself once she passes from your hands into those of her new husband.

The true Christian male should also stay fit enough to raise his children and promulgate the teachings of Jesus. Eat sparingly, wisely and take regular walks if possible.

My fellow true Christians, I will await your learned thesi relative to this postulations. As this is not a forum, but a community answering service, I will expect that any person asnwering will be a true Christian who will read the WHOLE text of my learned proposition.

Praise!

Tags: Christians, embrace, fellow, Fitness, fully, physical, should, True

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 11th, 2010 at 9:50 pm and is filed under cellulite legs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.